By Narsha James
While watching a twenty-minute comedy on television, I saw something that grabbed my attention. One of the characters in the show was wearing a T-shirt with a logo printed on the left side of his chest, which coincidentally (or intentionally) happened to be in the location of his heart. The print was in the shape of a heart with the word ‘SELF’ written inside it. My interpretation of this (which may be within the bounds of its intended meaning), was ‘self-love’. My mind wandered from the current storyline of the show and meandered along a road of similar concepts I had previously encountered, mainly through social media. The constant outpouring of self-love, self-care, self-comfort, and self-pleasing seemed to be a common thread in online postings. This caused me to consider several questions about this popular idea: What is the origin of this self-obsession? Does self-love come from a place of abuse and/or neglect, or is it a reflection of selfishness? When we focus on ourselves, what effect does that have on our level of happiness and our relationships? What about the Christian? Considering that the way of Christ is one of self-denial, can the Christian reconcile this apparent conflict?
I have not drawn conclusions from these questions but hope that this discourse will make a case for contemplation and cognitive reframing. To be clear, I believe the obsession with self-love is nothing more than human selfishness; we are born with an innate ability to be selfish. Most children do not even possess the skill of seeing the world outside of their desires and needs. Developmental Psychologist Jean Piaget called this egocentrism and posited that it is essential, and not negative because we must know ourselves in order to relate to others and ultimately figure out our place in the world (Kail & Cavanaugh, 2010). At a later stage, this egocentrism will mature, and adolescents will develop other characteristics mushrooming from the focus on self. Adolescents often consider their experiences to be unique only to them. They often believe that no one else (especially adults) can understand their experience. This myopia leads them to think that all eyes are on them and they are the center of the universe (Dolgin, 2018). For adolescents to build strong relationships and bond with others, there needs to be a shift in their focus; they have to learn to navigate the terrains of community, family, and friendship. When this shift occurs, they experience better mental health and are more satisfied with life (Kail & Cavanaugh, 2010).
The point is that most human beings do not require more self-focus, nor do we need assistance in being selfish. This is not to suggest that taking care of oneself is not important. It is essential, especially for those who are constantly taking care of others. Moreover, there are some people who, for varying reasons, may have a genuine struggle with their self-esteem. As such, a focus on developing a healthy concept of self is necessary. However, the crux of the discourse is that there is also great value in considering others as well as, and even before, ourselves. The self-love movement purports that ‘I’ should be first and only, suggesting that a person experiences complete fulfillment and growth by focusing only on themselves. Let us consider the case of love for a moment. How is it possible to test the attributes of love if one does not focus on someone else? For example: if love is patient, and no one tests that patience, how can one fully attain that virtue?
More importantly, what would be the value of a selfish Christian? How would we have been saved if Christ had kept His life to Himself? The way of Christianity is opposed to selfishness. In fact, it encourages us to consider others first. This view is an unpopular one and is humanly impossible. The latter is the reason I believe Christ asks us to live selflessly. The Christian way demands that we look outside of ourselves to live as that life requires. This moves us to a deeper dependence on the creator, the one who made us and knows exactly how we should live in order to experience deep fulfillment and meaning. E.G. White in The Desire of Ages states, “Selfishness is death. No organ of the body could live should it confine its service to itself. The heart, failing to send its lifeblood to the hand and the head would quickly lose its power.” (White, 1990 p. 239). I believe spiritual death is exactly what we would experience if we live a life focused solely on ourselves. Loving others is equally as important as loving ourselves. Returning to the T-shirt’s logo, we undoubtedly need to add others, and more importantly, God, to that heart.
References
Dolgin, K. G. (2018). The Adolescent – Development, relationships, and culture.
(14th ed.) Pearson Education, Inc.
Kail, R. V. & Cavanaugh, J. C. (2010). Human development: A life-span view (5th ed.). Cengage Learning. White, E. G. (1990). The desire of ages. Better Living Publications.
